May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
Thank you to my earthly father for reminding me tonight to reconnect with my heavenly father.
Here lately I've been having a hard time living a life of joy in the midst of life's little problems. Although I am weeping from the pain of this world right now, I still feel that spirit within trying to break free again, burst forth into songs of praise and dancing for my heavenly Father. Times like this I reflect on how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I don't know why, other than the Spirit of the Lord leading me, but I am going to review a few of my past journal entries. It hurts to see where I was and the questions that I asked, but it gives me hope to see that I have grown, and it's all because of my Heavenly Father I have gained my strength and come this far. I tried to do it on my own and find my strength from within, follow my heart and my own selfish desires, but it never rendered good results; just a life of loneliness, guilt, shame, and anger.
As I take a deep and nervous breath, I share some of my darkest thoughts.
How and I supposed to act as a Christian?
What if I like my craziness at times?
What if I like other music than that repetitive non soul fulfilling music on klove?
What if I sometimes like dance music?
I can not be perfect.
Is God still smiling at me and my questions?
I NEED ANSWERS!
How do I bind up the broken hearted when mine is still on the fritz?
How do I feed the souls of a starving nation of people when mine is just as hungry?
Why is it that I am told that once you become a Christian your soul is full to overflowing, but yet, even after praying there are still some empty places that God just doesn't seem to inhabit?
I am made in His image, yet I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.
How do I be sexy and exotic as a Christian when I feel like a stupid nutcase most days?
And WHERE does this confidence come in that I am supposed to receive as a believer?
Why can't I delete thoughts from my past? Why can't I stop talking about my past? And how can I stop living my past some days?
Sometimes I want a glass of merlot, yet my convictions and conscience stop me. Can't God take my desire to drink completely away?
I miss my gay friends and love them and the light that they are, but yet once again CONVICTIONS, GUILT, CONSCIENCE, FRUSTRATIONS keep me away.
I want friends, but I am so socially retarded these days that I turn into a freakin idiot around new people.
WHERE DO I BELONG IN THIS WORLD?!
I know I am blessed in so many ways, but I just want to scream.
God answered me about a year later. All I got from Him on 12/15/2009 "I DID NOT ABANDON YOU!" That was sufficient. It was simple as that. In this world we are going to face trials and tribulations, loss and sadness, frustration and anger, guilt and condemnation, pain and rejection, depression and anxiety, sinfulness and deception, hate and aggression, but there is something that my God has promised. He has overcome the world. (John 16:33) He wins in the end. Just flip to the back of the book for the dénouement.
The only thing that separates Christians and those who are not is a Savior. There is none of us holier than thou, and if you think that way, you need to spend more time in the book to learn the truth.
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