Joyful ain't always easy to do.

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

—Colossians 1:11-14 

Thank you to my earthly father for reminding me tonight to reconnect with my heavenly father. 

Here lately I've been having a hard time living a life of joy in the midst of life's little problems. Although I am weeping from the pain of this world right now, I still feel that spirit within trying to break free again, burst forth into songs of praise and dancing for my heavenly Father. Times like this I reflect on how far I have come and how far I have yet to go. I don't know why, other than the Spirit of the Lord leading me, but I am going to review a few of my past journal entries. It hurts to see where I was and the questions that I asked, but it gives me hope to see that I have grown, and it's all because of my Heavenly Father I have gained my strength and come this far. I tried to do it on my own and find my strength from within, follow my heart and my own selfish desires, but it never rendered good results; just a life of loneliness, guilt, shame, and anger.

As I take a deep and nervous breath, I share some of my darkest thoughts. 

How and I supposed to act as a Christian?

What if I like my craziness at times?

What if I like other music than that repetitive non soul fulfilling music on klove?

What if I sometimes like dance music?

I can not be perfect.

Is God still smiling at me and my questions? 

I NEED ANSWERS!

How do I bind up the broken hearted when mine is still on the fritz?

How do I feed the souls of a starving nation of people when mine is just as hungry?

Why is it that I am told that once you become a Christian your soul is full to overflowing, but yet, even after praying there are still some empty places that God just doesn't seem to inhabit?

I am made in His image, yet I can hardly stand to look in the mirror.

How do I be sexy and exotic as a Christian when I feel like a stupid nutcase most days?

And WHERE does this confidence come in that I am supposed to receive as a believer?

Why can't I delete thoughts from my past? Why can't I stop talking about my past? And how can I stop living my past some days?

Sometimes I want a glass of merlot, yet my convictions and conscience stop me. Can't God take my desire to drink completely away?

I miss my gay friends and love them and the light that they are, but yet once again CONVICTIONS, GUILT, CONSCIENCE, FRUSTRATIONS keep me away.

I want friends, but I am so socially retarded these days that I turn into a freakin idiot around new people.

WHERE DO I BELONG IN THIS WORLD?!

I know I am blessed in so many ways, but I just want to scream.

God answered me about a year later. All I got from Him on 12/15/2009 "I DID NOT ABANDON YOU!" That was sufficient. It was simple as that. In this world we are going to face trials and tribulations, loss and sadness, frustration and anger, guilt and condemnation, pain and rejection, depression and anxiety, sinfulness and deception, hate and aggression, but there is something that my God has promised. He has overcome the world. (John 16:33) He wins in the end. Just flip to the back of the book for the dénouement.

The only thing that separates Christians and those who are not is a Savior. There is none of us holier than thou, and if you think that way, you need to spend more time in the book to learn the truth. 

The Joy Theif

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10

Why is it that, when you are following God's will and trying hard to walk His path, it seems like the world is caving in on you?

As I sit here an write this blog, I am in pain. From the left side of my neck to my elbow I hurt, and from my elbow to my thumb I am tingling and numb. Times at work have been stressful and tough. I feel like I am not appreciated and that I am looked down upon because I am a woman. I have friends that I care about whose loved ones are sick either terminally or chronically, and it hurts to see them struggling and not have the words of comfort that they need to make it through the day. My mother-in-law has breast cancer and will be getting her left breast removed on Friday, and while she is in good spirits, I worry. (This was written in a draft last week. My mother-in-law made it through surgery and is doing very well!) I have debt up to my eyeballs and live from paycheck to paycheck. I can complain all night if you want, but I refuse.

The thief, Satan, is trying his best to steal my joy. I had a conversation with my momma a couple of weekends ago about how I just could not understand why so many things were burdening my heart. In one of those light bulb moments she reminded me that it was because I was being obedient and writing about joy and what it means to me. It all makes sense now.

Even though the thief tries to steal my joy and rain down troubles and worry on my life, I am reminded that my God is GREATER than this thief, and it is my God who wins in the end. 

I think about how living for Christ my life is more abundant. Although I have troubles as we all know we are meant to have on this earth, there are people on this planet in far worse condition than I could possibly ever imagine. Satan will come to steal your joy and turn your focus away from God and onto those little gnawing issues that seem to consume your life. It is at that moment you have a choice. Going back to the very beginning, do you choose joy or do you choose to let the thief win? 


Many times I have let the thief take my joy. Many times I realize that giving in to him was totally pointless. I thank God for restoration of joy, grace, and mercy.