Joy in Mourning

You turned my wailing into dancing;
       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.

Psalm 30:11

Psalm 30:11 is one of my favorite scripture passages. It entered my life and touched my heart during and after the loss of two pregnancies. It was more significant to me during the second loss than the first, mainly because during the second loss I had established a relationship with Christ. 

I've shared my testimony with many people before, and many of you who are reading this blog already know my story. 

I was told early on by a doctor that I would not have children. Through the years following that revelation, I had come to accept the fact that I would not bear children and set my heart on adopting one day. God had other plans for my life that I absolutely could not believe! The road that I traveled to get to the little blessing present in my life right now was a painful and bittersweet path. Painful both physically and emotionally from the losses, yet bittersweet because God was showing me that He was working in my life to give me that which the doctors told me I would never have. 

I remember the second loss very well. There are some things that I try to put in the very far recesses of my mind, because those memories are too painful to express. I remember the day that one doctor looked at the ultrasound and found no heartbeat and told me and my husband to go home and prepare for the loss of my baby. He told us that there was nothing left for us to do but wait and let nature take its course. That was not what I wanted to hear, because I was SO SURE that this was my child of promise. Later on that same week I went to see another doctor for a second opinion. This doctor found a faint little blip on the ultrasound where the other doctor did not. Even though there was a faint heartbeat, the doctor gave me and my husband a slight bit of hope. I already knew that I was going to lose this child, but it was nice to have a doctor with some bedside manner that didn't just tell us to go home and wait for our baby to die. (Or that's how the first doctor sounded to me.) 

On the way home that day, the most beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky from one corner of the earth to the other in a perfect technicolor arc. That was my promise from God that His promises were still true. In the days following, I did lose my child. It was devastating to say the least, but during the whole process of losing my baby I felt closer to God. As the pain and contractions and the bleeding took my breath away, with every other breath I was praying and singing to my Lord on the way to the hospital. It was during that time that God drew nearer to me than He had ever been before. The spirit of the Lord descended upon me, and I spoke in His language. 

That night was so powerful and full of mixed emotions. Even through the emotional distress, I knew God was there with me. 

Not too long after the loss, I was awakened in the middle of the night and out of my mouth these words were spoken "Lord, I thank you for my fruitful womb." Now me being the country girl that I am, I do not talk like that. "fruitful womb"?! Okay, God. Thank you. Then I fell back into deep sleep. 

A few months down the road and after having a conversation with my grandpa with his oh so eloquent way of how my husband and I could get pregnant, (He and my grandma have 6 kids, so they were the authority on this subject in my family. LOL) I woke up one morning feeling very odd. I wasn't sick, but something just wasn't right. 

Later on that day I took a pregnancy test, and it came back positive! Of course you would think that I would be overjoyed for this new pregnancy, but I wasn't. Alot of people are surprised that I was not overflowing with joy, but I wasn't ready. I was still mourning the last loss, and I was not ready to go through that pain again. I had lost all faith that God was going to give me a child and that this pregnancy could just be the promised child. 

What did I do? I didn't speak to God for 7 months of my pregnancy. This may not be something you guys want to hear, but I was ANGRY with God. I just didn't understand why he would place this burden on me and my body when I was still mourning the loss of my last baby. It was all about me me me. Whine whine whine. I look back now and realize how ridiculous I was acting toward my Father in Heaven.

I was just about to enter my 3rd trimester when I finally woke up one morning and spoke to God again. I realized that life without Him, especially when I was carrying this major blessing, just was not fulfilling at all. I had one of those sobering, conviction fueled moments when I realized that God was blessing me and taking care of the child in my womb even when I had turned away from Him. He was there for me when I wasn't speaking to Him, just waiting for me to turn around and let Him catch me in His arms. When He caught me, He held me, and He's still holding me today.

I am so thankful for my little man and the joy that he brings to me and my husband every single day. I can not and do not want to imagine life without him. He is my child of promise. I am constantly amazed every day when I look into his beautiful crystal blue eyes and realize, God did this for me! How silly and stupid I was to turn away from God as He was forming this tiny little miracle in my womb, but how THANKFUL I am for His grace and mercy. Because of His grace and mercy, I was able to let go of that guilt and enjoy this charmed life that He has given to me.

Lord, I thank you for all of your blessing big and small. I thank you for never leaving me even when I turned away from you. I thank you for scientifically unexplainable miracles that occur in the lives of so many people daily. I praise you and thank you because you are the giver of life and the restorer of joy. Continue to guide me as I walk this path of self-discovery. May lives be touched and hearts and minds changed.

Amen

Choose Joy

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.

Proverbs 15:30

Do you really realize how your attitude affects those you meet every day?

Some days I understand that it is so tough to be joyful and bubbly and outgoing and loving. I understand all of that, but do you really realize how important a nice smile or a nice word can really make a difference in a person's life? 

I have to say I love my job. It's a tough job with some interesting personalities and days full of opportunities, but I love it. I also love the people I meet every day. Not just the nice little old ladies that compliment my smile or the younger generation that want my shoes or even the weird men that ignore the fact that I am wearing a wedding ring and "No sir, I will not move to New York with you and be your woman!". I love people. I even love the really hateful, cuss me up one side and down the other people that are just full of complaints and irritations. They all take a part in making my life interesting. 

When an angry person is spewing obscenities at me about a situation that is absolutely not my fault, it is really difficult to maintain a smile and courteous manner. There have been situations where customers have finished their spiel, realized that I have not flinched or lost my smile and stand there in utter amazement that I am not curled up in the fetal position under the counter crying. Sometimes this makes them even angrier, but SOMETIMES just SOMETIMES they stop, realize what they have said and changed their tone and apologized. I had one woman ask me "How do you just stand there and take it and not get frustrated?" I choose not to get frustrated. I choose to stand there, smile, and just let it roll. If I were to marinate in their hateful words, that would be an absolute waste of a moment that I could be filling with positive thoughts and expressions! (Enter puppy dogs and butterflies here.) 

In reality, I want to reach across the counter and grab some of them by the throat and ask them if they were raised by coyotes, (in so many words that do not please the Lord) but I refrain. The one thing that I always try to keep in mind is that I am in a lost and dying world full of people filled with hurt that has turned into hate. These people do not know joy or where to find joy. I choose to be joyful so that the question of where I received this joy would roll around in their minds and feed their need to find out where they can get a dose. 

The joy that you have in your heart should not be hidden or locked away. The very breath of life depends on what attitude you harbor when you walk out of your home and into the world in which we live. So many people need someone to smile at them or offer a kind word, because they never receive it at home. I love the phrase "You may be the only Jesus others see", because you may just be the only ray of Christ's love that other will ever see. 

On my computer at work:

Aspire to inspire before you expire. 

Lord, I thank You for the blessings in my life. I thank You for all the people that You allow to cross my path on a daily basis. It is my fervent prayer that You continue to let me be mindful of my attitude and whether or not I am being a true reflection of Your joy, love and peace. I pray that You give others the strength they need to be beacons of joy in even the most difficult situations. I thank You and praise You for all that You are and all that You do and all that You have done in my life and the lives of others when I have chosen joy.

Amen

Be Joyful Always

"Be joyful always". 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Lord I pray that you would lead, guide and direct me as I take on this adventure. Give me the words that I need to make clear and concise points and the anointing of your Holy Spirit. Thank you for calling me to do this bible study on a subject that is dear to my heart and the very fruit of Your spirit upon me.

Amen

Verse 17: "pray continually".

I decided to listen to my Father in Heaven and write this bible study on joy. For the most part, I am a very joyful person. I am absolutely amazed at all of the blessings which the Lord has bestowed upon my life not only when I was living outside of His will, but as I continue to grow inside of His will. I think of so may instances in my past and present where God could have and should have just given up on me, but being that He is the all-knowing and omnipotent Creator Father that He is and all the promises that He has made to me and His other children in His holy, inspired and divine Word, that is not His nature. That alone brings me to overflowing with joy.

Being joyful always is not such an easy task. That's why there's that little tag on the end about praying continually. People ask me all the time why I am so happy. I am usually a smiling, giggly, overflowing, and bubbly woman. I even have the nickname "Bubbles" at work because of my personality. I have so many people compliment me on what seems like to be an unending smile tacked up cheek to cheek by two deep dimples. When I am asked, I always throw in that I give all credit to God for my "happiness". 

I do not label myself "happy". To some who do not understand, hopefully by the time God finishes with me and this bible study you will understand. Yes, the joy that God puts into my heart gives me a FEELING of happiness, but happiness is fleeting. Even in my darkest times when I am crying, depressed, self-loathing and despicable; somehow God manages to throw a ray of hope at me through His words, prayer, or the words of those who love me in Christ. 

As a person of joy, I have my struggles. I am human. I have my flaws, and I have my moments where my sin nature takes over, and it takes days if not weeks of commune with God to get rid of my "nasties" to where I can feel like truthfully smiling towards Heaven again. There are two ploys of the enemy that circulate my psyche at all times that most people except my closest friends and family do not know about. Those two ploys are anxiety and bi-polar depression. I am thankful for the skilled blessed mind of my doctor that I am able to control the symptoms of these ploys so that I can fully function and focus on what I would like to consider the things that are not of this world.. you know.. Jesus and His will. 

This is where joy becomes relevant in my life. Notice that I said that the ploys of the enemy CIRCULATE my psyche. For those who need a definition think soul, mind, breath, and life. I'm not speaking of Sister Thelma down the street that claims to know your future for twenty bucks. (I had to put that in there, because I know my daddy, who I take WELL after would somehow make a silly joke out of the word psyche. LOL) When you give your all to God, He builds a fortress around the parts of your life that you ALLOW Him to access. I have allowed Him to build a fortress around my heart as far as the anxiety and depression are concerned. With this fortress of His words, love, strength and encouragement, I am able to cope when Satan attacks my emotions and my chemical makeup. 

One thing you have to understand is that medication has NOTHING on the spiritual realm. I can take my little pills in the morning and at night, and while they do help me cope with stress and focus on importance and not pettiness. The lies of the enemy are still strong enough sometimes to penetrate that barrier that modern medicine has supplied. That's where the King of my fortress takes over. As long as I focus on my King and pray, my joy is restored. Of course it's not an instant "just like that" snap of the fingers type of restoration at all times. 

Obtaining and retaining joy after the enemy tries to steal it from you sometimes takes alot of time studying the Word and praying and, as I like to label it in my personal journals "Re-evaluation". I try to re-evaluate myself and where I stand with my relationship with Christ every time I have an emotional break down or do or say something that really isn't becoming of the character that God had intended for me to display. During this time of re-evaluation I ask for forgiveness where it is needed and set goals on how to not stumble in that area of my life again. When it is an emotional breakdown I face, I evaluate what caused the breakdown in the first place, pray about it, and try to set my goals on how to recognize those things that trigger my emotions and hand them over to the King of my heart's fortress.

Joy

Joy

I'm going to obey my Father in Heaven and start writing a bible study on joy. God's been dealing with me on this subject for quite some time. I am a joyful person at least 98% of the time no matter what the circumstances may be. Of course I have some ugly in my soul, but that's the human in me.

Dear Lord,

Help me stick to this.