Joy in Mourning

You turned my wailing into dancing;
       you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.

Psalm 30:11

Psalm 30:11 is one of my favorite scripture passages. It entered my life and touched my heart during and after the loss of two pregnancies. It was more significant to me during the second loss than the first, mainly because during the second loss I had established a relationship with Christ. 

I've shared my testimony with many people before, and many of you who are reading this blog already know my story. 

I was told early on by a doctor that I would not have children. Through the years following that revelation, I had come to accept the fact that I would not bear children and set my heart on adopting one day. God had other plans for my life that I absolutely could not believe! The road that I traveled to get to the little blessing present in my life right now was a painful and bittersweet path. Painful both physically and emotionally from the losses, yet bittersweet because God was showing me that He was working in my life to give me that which the doctors told me I would never have. 

I remember the second loss very well. There are some things that I try to put in the very far recesses of my mind, because those memories are too painful to express. I remember the day that one doctor looked at the ultrasound and found no heartbeat and told me and my husband to go home and prepare for the loss of my baby. He told us that there was nothing left for us to do but wait and let nature take its course. That was not what I wanted to hear, because I was SO SURE that this was my child of promise. Later on that same week I went to see another doctor for a second opinion. This doctor found a faint little blip on the ultrasound where the other doctor did not. Even though there was a faint heartbeat, the doctor gave me and my husband a slight bit of hope. I already knew that I was going to lose this child, but it was nice to have a doctor with some bedside manner that didn't just tell us to go home and wait for our baby to die. (Or that's how the first doctor sounded to me.) 

On the way home that day, the most beautiful rainbow stretched across the sky from one corner of the earth to the other in a perfect technicolor arc. That was my promise from God that His promises were still true. In the days following, I did lose my child. It was devastating to say the least, but during the whole process of losing my baby I felt closer to God. As the pain and contractions and the bleeding took my breath away, with every other breath I was praying and singing to my Lord on the way to the hospital. It was during that time that God drew nearer to me than He had ever been before. The spirit of the Lord descended upon me, and I spoke in His language. 

That night was so powerful and full of mixed emotions. Even through the emotional distress, I knew God was there with me. 

Not too long after the loss, I was awakened in the middle of the night and out of my mouth these words were spoken "Lord, I thank you for my fruitful womb." Now me being the country girl that I am, I do not talk like that. "fruitful womb"?! Okay, God. Thank you. Then I fell back into deep sleep. 

A few months down the road and after having a conversation with my grandpa with his oh so eloquent way of how my husband and I could get pregnant, (He and my grandma have 6 kids, so they were the authority on this subject in my family. LOL) I woke up one morning feeling very odd. I wasn't sick, but something just wasn't right. 

Later on that day I took a pregnancy test, and it came back positive! Of course you would think that I would be overjoyed for this new pregnancy, but I wasn't. Alot of people are surprised that I was not overflowing with joy, but I wasn't ready. I was still mourning the last loss, and I was not ready to go through that pain again. I had lost all faith that God was going to give me a child and that this pregnancy could just be the promised child. 

What did I do? I didn't speak to God for 7 months of my pregnancy. This may not be something you guys want to hear, but I was ANGRY with God. I just didn't understand why he would place this burden on me and my body when I was still mourning the loss of my last baby. It was all about me me me. Whine whine whine. I look back now and realize how ridiculous I was acting toward my Father in Heaven.

I was just about to enter my 3rd trimester when I finally woke up one morning and spoke to God again. I realized that life without Him, especially when I was carrying this major blessing, just was not fulfilling at all. I had one of those sobering, conviction fueled moments when I realized that God was blessing me and taking care of the child in my womb even when I had turned away from Him. He was there for me when I wasn't speaking to Him, just waiting for me to turn around and let Him catch me in His arms. When He caught me, He held me, and He's still holding me today.

I am so thankful for my little man and the joy that he brings to me and my husband every single day. I can not and do not want to imagine life without him. He is my child of promise. I am constantly amazed every day when I look into his beautiful crystal blue eyes and realize, God did this for me! How silly and stupid I was to turn away from God as He was forming this tiny little miracle in my womb, but how THANKFUL I am for His grace and mercy. Because of His grace and mercy, I was able to let go of that guilt and enjoy this charmed life that He has given to me.

Lord, I thank you for all of your blessing big and small. I thank you for never leaving me even when I turned away from you. I thank you for scientifically unexplainable miracles that occur in the lives of so many people daily. I praise you and thank you because you are the giver of life and the restorer of joy. Continue to guide me as I walk this path of self-discovery. May lives be touched and hearts and minds changed.

Amen